After the annual office Christmas party blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."
"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"
"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him," said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas"?
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe".
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No", says the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."
A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students
might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season
emphasis on His birth.
He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred
a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know!
He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a
response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.
He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs
on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
Why is Santa Claus always so jolly?
Because he knows where all the naughty girls live!