This married couple wakes up during the Christmas season. The wife
says, "I just had the weirdest dream. I dreamt that our tree was
decorated with dicks and on top was the biggest, hardest, smoothest
dick that I have ever seen."
"I suppose that was mine?" the husband quickly said.
"No, I think it belonged to Brad Pitt" the wife answers."Oh Yeah," he says snottily, "Well I had a similar dream. I dreamt
that our tree was decorated with pussies and on top was the wettest,
best looking pussy that I have ever seen."
"And I suppose that was mine" the wife says.
"Nope, yours was holding the tree up."
Q. What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer
out on Christmas Eve?
A. They go into town and blow a few bucks.
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. Pastor said, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend said, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the Secret Service."
Warm up by the fire!
During a busy pre-Christmas day at an International Airport, a crowded flight was cancelled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He SCREAMED, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have ANY idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the airline agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "Screw you."
Without flinching, she smiled and replied, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."