THE BREAKUP

“You are such a bull-shitter! I can’t believe the size of your ego! You sit here now telling me I’ve wasted all this time with you? Well, you can go screw yourself, Jim!”

I really needed this tonight. Here I am sitting on the couch of the Loft trying to calmly and nicely break up with Bunny --- and she is giving me more grief than I ever thought possible! Our crowd has rented a “Loft” for about the last seven years. No one lives here, but it is our main party place. I got out of the Navy in February and started dating Bunny in March. I met her at the Point Diner in Somers Point when Happy Jack and I were having a late snack there that consisted of bacon, home fries and a soda. We had been hanging out at a few local bars where there was absolutely no action going on. So at 10:30 we had decided to get something to eat at the Point Diner nearby. As we were finishing our food, two girls sat down in the booth behind Happy Jack. One was a tall, slim blond and the other was a short, slim brunette. I looked over and said “Girls --- we strongly recommend the bacon and home fries!” Well, that started a conversation among the four of us and pretty soon we were sitting in their booth and we were all having a good time to say the least.

I was hot for the brunette, whose name was Bunny. Happy Jack appeared to be equally enamored by her friend, Sandi. After the girls had finished their bacon and home fries, I suggested that they follow us back to the Loft --- which I described as a picturesque little party house. They agreed to do so. Luckily, it was late March and the temperature was around 65 degrees --- unseasonably warm for that time of year in South Jersey. I say “lucky” because there was no heat in the Loft. On the way to the Loft, Happy Jack said, “I can’t believe we got two lookers following us back to the Loft just because you recommended that they order goddamn bacon and home fries! You are one smooth son of a bitch!”

Well, we all had some beers back at the Loft --- did some dancing --- told some jokes --- and did a little “making-out”. No one “got lucky” that night. But we had a good time. I asked Bunny out for Friday night and she agreed to the date. That Friday we went to the drive-in, drank some beer and made out like crazy. That Bunny was hot! But that was all. Bunny had to work the next day and I had to take her home right after the movies. Rats!

But our third date was just out at the Loft. Luckily, no one else was there that night. So after a fair amount of kissing and groping each other on the couch, we went upstairs and consummated our relationship in the front bedroom. Bunny was really good! And so it was that Bunny became my “main squeeze” over the last five months. It was now late August and I frankly had gotten tired of Bunny. We had had some real fun times together those last five months. We had been to many of our crowd’s parties at the Loft --- we had been to the drive-in a fair amount of times --- I had taken her out to nice restaurants on four occasions --- and we had spent a number of afternoons on the beach together. The parties had included our classic Pirate Party and our unforgettable Indian Party --- and everybody’s costumes had been terrific! Bunny was cute and she could be funny. All the other guys liked her and she didn’t object to a little flirting with them ---nor did any of the other “regular girls” in our crowd. Hell, we were all flirts, if the truth be known!

But Bunny had some downsides, too. She could be moody. She could pout if everything was not just right. She had an annoying habit of cracking her knuckles --- the only girl I ever dated that did that. But perhaps her worst feature was that she really wasn’t that intelligent --- and she could get boring. She was never boring in bed, I assure you --- but what the hell --- even guys with high sex drives didn’t want to spend all week in bed --- even with someone as good as Bunny.

Since I was going off to law school in three weeks I had figured that this was a good time to tell Bunny that we should end it. The fact that I had been dated Franny on the side for the last three weeks had nothing to do with my decision. Yeah, right! The truth was: I was getting tired of Bunny and Franny was just as good-looking --- and a lot smarter.

I tried to explain myself a little better.

“Look, Bunny --- you know I’m leaving for law school in a couple weeks --- that’s no surprise. And you know that I’m going to be studying my ass off up there and I’m not going to be doing a hell of a lot of dating. And you know you’re gonna be down here. So why are you so upset?”

“Upset? You’re damn right I’m upset! I just spent five months of my life spending all my time with you --- sleeping with you --- listening to your high and mighty bullshit --- and all the rest! I thought we had a relationship that was going somewhere!”

“But Bunny --- I told you before that I have three years of law school ahead of me --- and then a couple years of law practice to get on my feet --- and I wouldn’t be in a position to marry anybody for at least five years or more.”

“You son of a bitch! You must think you’re God’s gift to women! You think you’re so goddamn intellectual because you went to Princeton! You think you’re a big deal because you were an officer in the Navy. You think you’re hot shit because you’re gonna be a lawyer! And you don’t give a damn about anybody but yourself!”

“Hey, Bunny --- you’re not being fair! I treated you well these past five months. I took you to good parties --- I took you to nice restaurants --- I put sun tan lotion on your back at the beach. I mean c’mon! Be fair!”

“You did just what you wanted with me. Yeah, I wore that stupid Indian costume --- and that dumb pirate costume --- and I screwed you whenever you wanted to --- and I even gave you those blow-jobs! Then you had the crudeness to come in my mouth after I told you I didn’t want you to! Everything was always your way!”

“Okay, look --- I think you have a short memory about some things. You seemed to enjoy all the things we did together. You didn’t complain back then. But now when I’m suggesting that we not go out anymore --- you’re just trying to make the whole thing seem like it was lousy. Well --- it wasn’t! We had very good times!”

Then I noticed that she was cracking her knuckles again. Geeez --- I hated that!

“Okay, Jim --- you want it to be over --- then it’s over! Now please take me home!”

We left the Loft and I drove her home. As she got out of the car, she said,” And you can take that bacon and home fries and shove them up your ass!” She then slammed the door so hard it hurt my ears.

On the way home I stopped at a pay phone and called Happy Jack. “Hey man, I just broke it off with Bunny. You wanta get something to eat?”

“Sure, pick me up and we’ll go to the Point Diner.”

Fifteen minutes later Happy Jack and I are eating bacon and home fries and sipping on sodas at the Point Pub. “So she took it real hard, huh?”

“Oh yeah! Big time! Called me every name in the book and told me I could shove bacon and home fries up my ass!”

:Man, --- that would be a waste!”

“You’re telling me!”

Five minutes later two girls enter the diner and sit in the booth right across from us. One’s a tall brunette and the other is a short, slim redhead. I look over and say. “Girls ---we strongly recommend the bacon and home fries!”

The girls giggle. We start to chat. And soon the girls are sitting with us in our booth.

“So you guys have a party house and you want to show it to us, right?”, says the redhead whose name is Maggie.

“Yeah --- it’s a neat place! You’ll like it. And we promise no hanky-panky! We’re just a couple of Eagle Scouts!”

“Yeah, --- and we know what you guys are probably scouting for! But what the hell --- at least you seem like the kind of guys who will stop when we tell you to!”

Geeez --- was this redhead cute!

“Scout’s honor!” So now we’re on our way back to the Loft with two more good-looking chicks in tow. Life just doesn’t get any better than this! And hell --- I won’t be studying that hard in law school!





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