Two good buddies are drinking in a bar and invaribly they get around to talking about sex. Finally, one guy says that he likes "Rodeo Sex" the best. His friend says, "I never heard of 'rodeo sex' --- what's that?" The first guy says, "Well, my wife and I start doing it doggy style. When she really starts to get hot --- I lean down and whisper in her ear 'your sister likes it this way, too!' --- then I just try to hold on for eight seconds!"
Bush and Powell are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"
The barman says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Howdy, what are you guys doing?"
Bush says, "We're planning World War 3."
The guy says, "Really? What's going happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Arabs and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaims, "A bicycle repairman?!!!"
So, Bush turns to Powell and says, "See? I told you nobody would worry about
10 million Arabs!"
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged
they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers
for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing
black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to
determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15
seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49
of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of
fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!" Only the state of Alabama was
different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were:
"Hold my beer and watch this!"
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist
if he sells extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait
around here until someone does?"
A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of
water. His wife asks, "What's that for?"
"It's for your headache."
"I don't have a headache."
He replies, "Gotcha!"
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and
thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first went in to
see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.
"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a
"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the
"That's real good!" said the redneck.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have
a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck was catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are
heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I
ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back
into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.
"So what classes are ya takin' ?" asked the friend.
"Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first
"No," his friend replied.
"You're queer, ain't ya?"
Check out these sounds, guys & gals!
FOR A PASSING TRAIN (in stereo!)
FOR A TRIP TO THE RACETRACK
FOR A TRIP TO THE MOVIES!
FOR A TRIP TO CHINATOWN
FOR " WHAT NOT TO DO TONIGHT"
FOR AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE!
A man who worked for the fire department came home from work one day and told
his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station".
"Bell 1" rings and we all put on our jackets.
"Bell 2" rings and we all slide down the pole.
"Bell 3" rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
"From now on, we are going to run this house the same way. When I say:"
"Bell 1" I want you to strip naked.
"Bell 2" I want you to jump into bed.
"Bell 3" We are going to make love all night.
The next night he came home from work and yelled "Bell 1". The wife took off
all her clothes. He shouted "Bell 2," and his wife jumped into bed. "Bell 3,"
he yelled, and they began making love.
After two minutes, the wife yelled "Bell 4". "What the hell is "Bell 4?" asked
"I need more hose", she replied. "You're no where near the fire!"
A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his
secretary for some mathematical help.
"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
he asked her.
The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."
King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing
him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather
large hole in the most obvious place.
"This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How
is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"
"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out
wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the
gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade
came down and cut it neatly in two.
"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch. "Now I can leave,
knowing that my Queen is fully protected."
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his
Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he
assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their
trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.
Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in
some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.
"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur. "My one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to
grant you? Name it and it is yours!"
But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy
day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her
husband's car pull into the driveway.
'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's
'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied.. 'He's
got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the
window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered
he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started
running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as
best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been
watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderful.
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes
with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed
right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always
wear a condom when you run?'
'Nope ------ just when it's raining.'