Show me a guy who laughs all day --- and I'll show you a real nut!

















A boy from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane going to California. The boy from the South, being friendly and all, asked, "So, where ya'll from?" The snooty northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The boy from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where ya'll from, bitch?"




Do you know that 90% of people masturbate in the shower and only 10% of people sing in the shower? And of the people who sing ---- do you know what song they most frequently sing? ----- I didn't think you would!



A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained as usual, "I have a headache." "Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository,...it's up to you!"




John and David were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in and saved him. He swam to the bottom of the pool and pulled John out. The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the Mental Hospital, as he considered him to be OK. The Doctor said, "We have good news and bad news for you, David! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient whom you > saved hung himself in the bathroom, and died." David replied, "Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry."





Important Scam Notice ****** Please pass this on ******** VERY IMPORTANT If a man comes to your door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your boobs, DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS. This is a scam. He is only trying to see your boobs. **










A Special Olmypics Swimming tournament is about to take place. For the tournament, the participants include a guy without arms, one without legs, one with just a torso, and... one with just a head. The starting pistol goes off, everyone goes forward, but the head sinks right away to the bottom of the pool. After the event,the reporters ask the head:" What did you count on?" "Well, see," the head says, "I've spent seven years in training to swim using my ears... but those idiots put a swimming cap on me."



The Italian Who Went to Puerto Rico:


(Must be read with an Italian accent)

One day ima gonna Puerto Rico to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast, I tella waitress I wanna two pisses toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the laday and she call me sonna ma bitch.

Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better no fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. I call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet, I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I go to the check-out and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you" I say piss on you too, you sanna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy!




A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, "I'm gonna make your nipples hard." She says, "Oh, yeah? My husband will kick your ass." He says, "And then I'm gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down." She says, "That's it, I'm gonna tell my husband, and he's gonna kick your ass but real good."

She goes home to her husband and says, "A guy at the bar told me he was gonna make my nipples hard." Her husband gets really pissed off, and starts to walk out the door. She grabs him by the arm, and says, "He also said he was gonna turn me upside-down, pour beer into my pussy, and then guzzle it all down." Her husband turns around and walks back into the house. She yells, "Where are you going?" He says, "I ain't fucking with anybody who can drink that much beer."





These two buddies are sitting at the bar in a singles` club and talking about another guy sitting at the other end of the bar. "I don't get it," complained the first guy, "He's not good looking, he has absolutely no taste in clothes, and he drives a beat up wreck of a car, yet he always manages to go home with the most beautiful women here!" "Yeah," replies his buddy, "He's not even a very good conversationalist, all he does is sit there and lick his eyebrows."