A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going
to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the
Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to
miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.
"My love," he wrote "we are going to be apart for a very long
time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not
much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we're constantly
surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I
had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted? "
So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying,
"why don't youlearn to play this?"
Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to
his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so
that we make passionate love!"
She kissed him and said, "First, let's see you play that harmonica."
Two sailors get off a ship and head for the nearest bar at the pier.
Each one orders two whiskeys and immediately downs them. They then order
two more whiskeys apiece, and quickly throw them back. They then order
another two whiskeys apiece.
One of the men picks up one of his drinks, and turning to the other man,
The other man turns to the first and says, "Hey, did you come here to bullshit,
or did you come here to drink?"
Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a
After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary.
I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the
diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."
After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought
my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like
the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known
that I loved her."
The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary,
I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt,
then she could go fuck herself."
An old maid was held up in a dark alley. She explained that she had no money,
but the robber insisted that it must be in her bra and started feeling around.
"I told you I haven't got any money." the spinster said. "But if you keep doing
that, I'll write you a check."
DO YOU LIKE QUICKEES? --- HERE ARE 4 OF THEM:
Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome.
One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way
The other nun whispers, " It's the cobblestones."
||Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
She knows she's given her last blow job.
||WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
(They don't have enough time)
||WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)
There was this couple that was married for 20 years,
and every time they had sex the husband always
on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20
years the wife felt this as stupid. She figured she
him out of the crazy habit. So one night,
were in the middle of doing it, she turned on
She looked down and saw her husband was
holding a dildo.
She gets completely upset.
"You impotent bastard," she screamed at him,
you be lying to me all of these years? You
better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and
calmly..."I'll explain the dildo if you
The Ideal Wife should be beautiful, but not so beautiful that people
think you married her only for her beauty.
And The Ideal Wife should be wealthy, but not so wealthy that people
think you married her only for her money.
And The Ideal Wife should be gentle, but not so gentle that she can't
suck a tennis ball through a fifty-foot garden hose.
Gay George goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says, "George, I am not going to beat
around the bush, You have AIDS."
George is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy
sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot
sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of
Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."
George asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your
ass is for."
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying
this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides
to send a note with the bottle back over to the man. The note read: "For me
to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1M in
the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
WELL, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and
it read: "Just so you know -- I happen to have TWO
Mercedes in my garage, I have over $2M in the bank, but not even for YOU,
would I cut off 2 inches! Send the bottle back."
A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a
wearing very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young
enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the
behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or
and the location of the raisin bread he has a brilliant
raisin bread, please,"the man says politely. The clerk nods
ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the
young man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided
excellent view, just as he had surmised he would be. Once
ladder he muses that he really should get 2 loaves as he is
As the clerk retrieves the 2nd loaf of bread, one of the
customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he
requests his own loaf of raisin bread so that he can
With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch
another male customer. Pretty soon each person is asking for
just to see the clerk climb up and down. After a few trips
tired and irritated and thinking that she is really going to
raisin bread for herself. Finally, once again atop the
fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an
standing amongst the throng staring up at her. Thinking to
she yells, "Is yours raisin too?" "No," croaks the feeble
it's startin' to twitch."