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Show me a guy who laughs all day --- and I'll show you a real nut!


A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. "My love," he wrote "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted? "

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "why don't youlearn to play this?" Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!" She kissed him and said, "First, let's see you play that harmonica."

Two sailors get off a ship and head for the nearest bar at the pier. Each one orders two whiskeys and immediately downs them. They then order two more whiskeys apiece, and quickly throw them back. They then order another two whiskeys apiece. One of the men picks up one of his drinks, and turning to the other man, says, "Cheers!" The other man turns to the first and says, "Hey, did you come here to bullshit, or did you come here to drink?"

Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks. After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her." The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go fuck herself."

An old maid was held up in a dark alley. She explained that she had no money, but the robber insisted that it must be in her bra and started feeling around. "I told you I haven't got any money." the spinster said. "But if you keep doing that, I'll write you a check."


Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome. One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before." The other nun whispers, " It's the cobblestones."
Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle? She knows she's given her last blow job.
WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY? (They don't have enough time)
WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)

There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this as stupid. She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of doing it, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a dildo. She gets completely upset. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says; calmly..."I'll explain the dildo if you explain the kids."

The Ideal Wife should be beautiful, but not so beautiful that people think you married her only for her beauty. And The Ideal Wife should be wealthy, but not so wealthy that people think you married her only for her money. And The Ideal Wife should be gentle, but not so gentle that she can't suck a tennis ball through a fifty-foot garden hose.

Gay George goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, "George, I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS." George is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?" The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice." George asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?" "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note with the bottle back over to the man. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1M in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants." WELL, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know -- I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have over $2M in the bank, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 2 inches! Send the bottle back."

A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for wearing very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread, please,"the man says politely. The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view, just as he had surmised he would be. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get 2 loaves as he is having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the 2nd loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he quickly requests his own loaf of raisin bread so that he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this raisin bread for herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip she yells, "Is yours raisin too?" "No," croaks the feeble old man...."But it's startin' to twitch."