Show me a guy who laughs all day --- and I'll show you a real nut!













An attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet, rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him..." she purrs, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender, clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues alluringly, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."




While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating." "I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him. "What are you celebrating?" he asked. "For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile." "How did it happen?" "I switched cocks." "What a coincidence," she said, smiling.





A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said,"When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought a starter pistol. All excited to try the doctor's suggestion out, he runs home to his wife. He finds his wife at home, in bed, naked and waiting for him. As the two begin, they find themselves in a 69 position. Moments later, the man feels the sudden urge to cum so he fires the starter pistol. The next day, the man goes back to the doctor. The doctor asked how it went. The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"





Q: Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? A: He decided to stick it out for one more year!



A guy walked into a bar in Arkansas and ordered a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looked up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer. The bartender looked up and said, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?" The guy said, "I'm from Iowa." The bartender asked, "What the heck you do in Iowa?" The guy responded, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asked, "Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?" The guy said nervously, "I mount animals." The bartender grinned and shouted out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us! "


A trucker is driving down the highway in the Midwest. He spots a sign that says, "Harry's Diner --- We have everything to eat --- if we don't have what you want --- we'll pay you $100!" Two miles down the highway the trucker spots Harry's Diner. He pulls his rig into the parking lot, enters the diner, and takes a seat. The waitress comes over and says, "What'll you have?" The trucker says, "I think I'll have an elephant ear sandwich." The waitress goes into the kitchen and yells to Harry (the owner and the cook), "OK, Harry, it's time to come up with a hundred bucks!" Harry says, "What did somebody order that we don't have?" The waitress replies, "some guy just ordered an elephant ear sandwich." Says Harry, "Hell, we have plenty of elephant ears!" The waitress replies, "Yea --- but we're outta' them big rolls!"


A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a phrase we men normally use so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said,"Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?" The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no. I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags!!!



A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish" The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy". After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"


Jake was on his deathbed. His wife, Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, and tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Susan," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Don't talk." He was insistent. "Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan. "Everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother." "I know," she replied. "That's why I poisoned you."