Show me a guy who laughs all day --- and I'll show you a real nut!











A guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex. "I think my dick is too small," he says. The doctor asks him which drink he prefers. "Well, Lager," he replies quite bemused. "Aaaahhh. There's your problem! Lager shrinks things. You should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow," says the doctor. Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him. "I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doctor. "No," replies the man "but I've got the wife on Lager!"



A homosexual walked into a delicatessen and asked the shopkeeper for a large tube of salami. "Would you like it sliced, sir?" the shopkeeper asked politely. "What do you think I am?" replied the gay man. "A slot machine?!?"





The widow is at the funeral home for her husband's funeral. The undertaker asks her, "How old was your husband, my dear?" The widow replied, "He was 98". The undertaker then inquires, "May I ask how old you are, my dear?". The widowd answered, "96". The undertaker then says," Hardly worth going home, is it?"




Did you hear that 35% of all gay men were born that way?   The rest just got sucked into it.




A guy and his wife bought this pet skunk and they took it for walks everyday. One day they came to this bar which had a big sign saying... "No pets allowed," the wife turned to the husband and said: "What shall we do about the pet skunk?" He replied, "Shove it down your panties, no one will know." She then asked him: "What about the smell?" And he said "Well if it dies, it fucking dies!"





A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better - your ear or your finger?"




Harry was sensitive about his wooden leg and afraid no woman would have him. He was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage. He couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancée about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly. The wedding night came and went, and the young couple was at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride. Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump. "Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that is a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"



Two guys were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden, a tiger appears from the distance, running towards them. One of the guys takes a pair of Nikes from his bag and starts to put them on. The other guy, with a surprised look on his face exclaims, "Do you think you will run faster than the tiger with those?!?!" His friend replies, "I don't have to run faster than the tiger. I just have to run faster than YOU."




A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. The biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact. "Mary...Mary...." "Is that you, Fred?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice. I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, I have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again." "Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven." "Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

A young fireman placed a ladder against the bedroom window of a burning house and rushed up. Inside was a curvy brunette in a see- through nightie. "Aha," said he, "you're the second pregnant girl I've rescued this year!" "But I'm not pregnant," the brunette indignantly exclaimed. "You're not rescued yet either."


God had finished with the basic structure of humanity and was ready to get down to the perks when he called Adam and Eve to sit at his side. "Okay, kids," he said to them, "you have all the essential stuff. Now who wants to be able to pee standing up?" Adam lept to his feet. "Me! Let it be me! Pleeeezz!" "So Be It." God said. God then turned to Eve. "Well let me see," he murmured, looking at his master plan. "Sorry Eve, looks like all I have left for you is multiple orgasms."



A guy applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do you do here?" he asked. "It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all our clothes and commune with nature." "Cool," said the guy, "...count me in!!!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his clothes and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing "Beware of Gays." He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry,... You've had two warnings!"

Two gay guys live together. The first guy says, "Let's play hide and seek. I'll hide, and if you find me I'll give you a great blow-job". The second guy asks, "What if I can't find you?" The first guy whispers, "I'll be hiding behind the piano."

There were two gay guys in the bathroom at their home, and one was putting Vaseline on his chest. The other gay man asked him, "Why are you putting Vaseline on your chest?" The first gay guy replied, "Didn't you know that Vaseline helps you grow hair on your chest?" The other gay man said, "Well if that was a proven fact, then you would should a ponytail growing out of your ass!"

A hunter in the deepest Amazon suddenly found himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he said quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed." A ray of light fell from the sky and a voice boomed out, "No, you are not screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you." So the hunter picked up the stone and proceeded to bash the life out of the chief. He stood above the lifeless body, breathing heavily, surrounded by 100 natives with looks of shock on their faces. The voice boomed out again, "Okay, now you're screwed."