A sign in the window of a bar advertised for a Piano Player and one day a scroungy looking old guy entered the bar asking about the job.
The bartender was put off by the man's looks, but pointed him to the piano in the corner.
As the old man began to play, the room was filled with the most beautiful, melodious music anyone in the bar had ever heard. During the song, all talk stopped and when the music ended, the patrons leaped to their feet; yelling and applauding wildly.
"Hey, Old Timer," said the barkeep. "You're really good. What was that beautiful song?"
"I call it 'Drop them panties Momma, I'm gonna do ya all night long."Momentarily stunned, the bartender held his temper and said, "Interesting title, Do you have another?" The old man nodded and broke into a foot stomping honky-tonk piece that brought the bar patrons to their feet. The crowd clapped along until it was
finished, then broke into a thunderous round of applause and filled his tip mug to overflowing.
"You are amazing," exclaimed the barkeep. "Just amazing! What do you call that one?"
"Oh, that's a little ditty I call 'I wanna spank yer bare butt, baby, till you scream and holler.'
Then, he rose, excused himself and shuffled off to use the restroom.
While he was gone, the patrons begged the bartender to give the eccentric old musician the job. So, when the old man returned, the barkeep said,
"Mister, you are the greatest piano player I've ever heard. If you want the job, it's yours."
Suddenly, the barkeep noticed that the man had not finished his trip to the restroom. Not wanting to embarrass the old fellow, he leaned toward him and whispered, ...... "Sir, do you know your pecker's hanging out for all the world to see?"
"Know it?" the geezer grinned. "Hell, I WROTE IT !"
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear.
She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the frozen seat, and they go.
When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?
Well, yes, the doctor replies, but never framed.
From the day of their wedding, Sarah has been nagging her husband about
his past. "Come on, tell me," she asks again, "how many women have you
slept with?" "Honey," he says, "if I told you, you'd just get angry."
"No. I promise I won't," she begs. "Well, if you insist. Let's see, one,
two, three, four, you, six, seven..."
Albert walks in to his doctor's office for his yearly physical exam as he
has done the same time every year that the can remember. The doctor takes
him through all of the motions, does the normal tests and then leaves to
get the results. After about 15 minutes the doctor returns with a very sad
look on his face.
"Well Doc, what kind of shape am I in this time?" Albert asks.
"Albert, I don't know what to say. The news is bad. Really bad." says the doctor.
"What is it Doc?" asks Albert.
"I hate to have to give you such bad news. I can't find the words to tell you.
I really don't know what to say."
Albert, being a strong man who appreciates straight talk, tells the doctor:
"Ok, don't beat around the bush. Tell me what you know. I can take it".
"Well," says the doctor, "Let me put it this way. I think that you should
go to Arkansas and visit the hot springs there for a nice relaxing mud bath.
Spend some time soaking in the mud."
"Oh, so I need to relax a little bit, eh? Will that cure me Doc?" asks Albert.
"No Albert, it won't cure you. And it won't help you relax. But it will help
you get used to being covered in dirt."
A man went to see his doctor. He had a bad case of piles, causing him
excruciating pain. The doctor gave him a case of suppositories. The
doctor asked the man if he would like him to put the first one in for
him. A little embarrassed, the man agreed. He bent over and held his
breath. He felt a sharp pain, then the doctor said, "Right, your
done. Insert the next one in about five hours. If you can't mange it
yourself, ask your wife to give you a hand."
The man went home and laid down to recover from the experience. About
five hours later, he tried to put the suppository in himself, but he
couldn't get the angle quite right, so he asked his wife to help him.
She told him to bend over, and put a hand on his shoulder to steady
him. When she stuck it in him, he let out a scream.
"Sorry! Did I hurt you? I was as gentle as I could be," his wife said.
"It's not that," he said. He stood up and looked at her. His face was
as white as a ghost.
His wife asked him, "What is it then?"
He replied, "When the doctor did it for me, he had both his hands on
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this
absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband
a big open-mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife
glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that??" "Oh," replies the
husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a
divorce." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if
we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more
wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or
Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his
arm. "Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife. "That's his mistress,"
says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.
An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a
very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him
that to prolong his life they should cut out sex. He and his wife
discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family
room downstairs to save them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex
wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the
staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."
She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"
There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful
blonde teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the
son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became
pregnant and, sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby
boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He
took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever
seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be
the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I
fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been
fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."