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Show me a guy who laughs all day --- and I'll show you a nut!


A ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy year old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and after a while they went to her apartment, where they got it on.

Four days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently. The old man said, "Sure!" The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived. "Sure, why?" "Well you'd better get over there, you're about to cum!"

What's the difference between a rotwieler and a poodle? If a rotwieler starts humping your leg you let it finish.
Moses looked up toward the Lord and said, " WE ARE YOUR CHOSEN PEOPLE AND YOU WANT US TO CUT THE TIPS OFF OUR WHAT ??
What's the difference between meat and fish? If you beat your fish, it'll die.
This male prostitute contracted leprosy. He did okay for a while, but then his business dropped off.
Q: What's the definition of oral sex? A: The taste of things to come.
Why did God give Mexicans noses? So they'd have something to pick in the wintertime!
A guy wakes up in a hospital after a serious operation. The doctor says, "I've got good news and bad news." The guy asks, "What's the good news?" The doctor says, "We've saved your testicles!" The guy says, "Great --- but what's the bad news?" The doctor replies,"They're under your pillow."
Q: Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have? A: Palm Sunday
What do 400lb. gerbils do for fun?? Shove fags up their asses.

Two Women waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first woman asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the first woman. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second woman. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first woman. "You see, I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone, watching TV. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second woman shakes her head. "That's so ironic," she says. "What do you mean?" asks the first woman. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive!!!"

A Sailor met a good looking blonde at the bar and was trying to get laid without much success. "I don't date servicemen," she said, "but I am curious as to why you sailors have those two rows of buttons on your pants." "Why, that's because we have two dicks," the sailor replied. "Interesting, probably twice as much fun," replied the blonde, "let's go to my place and try them out." So they did, and after the first screwing the blonde says, "Boy, that was sure nice. Now that I'm rested and still horny, I want the other one." Whereupon the sailor undid the other side of buttons, pulled out a limp, weary dick, looked at it and sadly declared, "Well, I'll be damned! He's pouting because he wasn't FIRST!"

A guy spent the day walking around town looking for a job. He finally walked into an adult store. "Do you have any work for me?" he asked the owner. The owner smiled and responded, "You come as if you have been sent from heaven. I just opened another store and I'm looking for someone to mind this store for me." "When do I start?" the guy asked. "Now. I'm leaving for the other store shortly." The owner explained all the ins and outs and then left.

First to enter the store was a Caucasian woman. She walked around and stopped at the dildo rack. "How much for the white dildo?" "Forty dollars," he said. "How much for the black dildo?" "Forty dollars." "Give me the . . . uh, black one. I've never had a black one before." She paid and left. Soon an African-American woman walked in. She too walked around and stopped at the dildo rack. "How much for the black dildo?" she asked. "Forty dollars." "How much for the white dildo?" "Forty dollars." After thinking a moment, the woman said, "Give me the . . . uh, white one. I've never had a white one before." She paid and left.

Then a blonde woman walked in. She walked around and stopped at the dildo rack. "How much for the white dildo?" she asked. "Forty dollars." "How much for the black dildo?" "Forty dollars." "And how much for the checkered one on your counter there?" "Two hundred dollars." "Give me . . . uh, the checkered one. I've never had a checkered one before." She paid and left. Closing time came around and the owner returned. "How was your first day?" "Great!" the guy responded. "I sold a white and a black dildo for forty bucks each, and I sold your thermos for two hundred."

Larry, a local football star, was jogging down the street when he saw a building on fire. A lady was standing on a third-story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms. "Hey lady!" yelled Larry. "Throw me the cat!" "No!" she cried. "It's too far!" "I play football, I can catch him!" The smoke was pouring from the windows, and finally the woman waved to Larry, kissed her cat goodbye, and tossed it down to the street. Larry kept his eye on the cat as it came plunging down toward him. The feline bounced off an awning and Larry ran into the street to catch it. He jumped six feet into the air and made a spectacular, one- handed catch. The crowd that had gathered to watch the fire broke into cheers. Larry did a little dance, lifted the cat above his head, wiggled his knees back and forth, then spiked the cat into the pavement.

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