A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial
that he had just pushed his victim "a little bit". When he was
pressured by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the
defendant approached the lawyer, slapped him in the face,
grabbed him firmly by the lapels and flung him over the table.
He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared,
"I would say it was about one-tenth that hard."
Doris & Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise
some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their 2 up 2 down
After a few days a young attractive woman applies for the room and
explains that she is a model working in a nearby Manchester studio for
a few weeks and that she would like the room for Mondays to Thursdays
but would pay for the whole week.
Doris shows her the house and they agree to start straight away.
"There's just one problem" explains the model " because of my job I
have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath?"
"That's not a problem" replies Doris "we have a tin bath out in the
yard and we bring it in to the living room, in front of the fire, and
fill it with hot water."
"What about you're husband?" asks the model.
"Oh he plays darts most weekdays - so he will be out in the evenings."
"Good" says the model " that being settled, I'll go to the studio and
see you tonight."
That evening Fred dutifully goes to his darts match while Doris
prepares the bath for the model. After stripping off the model steps
into the bath and Doris is amazed to see that she has no pubic hair.
The model notices Doris's staring eyes, smiles and explains that it is
part of her job to shave her pussy especially when modeling swimwear
Later when Fred returns Doris relates this oddity and he does not
"It's true I tell you" says Doris "look, if you don't believe me,
tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek
in and see for yourself."
The next night Fred leaves as usual and Doris prepares the bath for
the model. As the model steps naked into the bath - Doris, standing
behind her, looks towards the curtains, and points towards the model's
naked pussy. Then she lifts up her skirt and wearing no panties,
points to her own hairy mass.
Later Fed returns and they retire to bed.
"Well do you believe me now?" she asks Fred.
"Yes" he replies "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why
did you lift up your skirt and show your hairy twat?"
"Just to show you the difference" answers Doris " but anyway you've
seen my pussy millions of times?"
"Yes" says Fred "I have....but the rest of the fucking darts team
Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked
a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you
The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending
on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a five-week
vacation, fourteen paid holidays, full medical and dental, the company matching
your retirement fund to fifty percent of your salary, and a company car leased
every two years, say, a red Corvette?"
The young engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
A guy went out hunting. He had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and
the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped
the gun and it went off, right on his penis. Obviously, he had to see a
When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a
marvelous job repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave
him a business card. "This is my brother's card. I'll make an
appointment for you to see him."
The guy says, "Is your brother a doctor?"
"No," Doc replies, "he plays the flute. He'll show you where to put your
fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date
and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a
nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine
and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in
a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty
excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him,
saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.
"Well, OK," he says, "how a bout a blow job?"
"EEEEyyyyyyeeeewwwwwww!" she screams.
"I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"
He says, "Well then, how about a hand job?"
"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"
"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid
and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your
brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that."
So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.
A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest,
his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax
blows out of his ears and he screams out in pain.
"What's wrong?!" she cries out.
"TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!!!!"
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