Ginsberg The Ventriloquist is lamenting to a friend that there are
diminishing opportunities in the ventriloquism business.
"That may be so," said the friend, "but what is exploding these days is the
need for psychics and mediums. With your talent, you could pull off a
pretty convincing medium."
"That is a good idea," said Ginsberg, "I'm going to give it a shot." So he
rented space in the local mall and put a sign in the window which said:
"Ginsberg The Medium. Seances arranged, $25, $50, $75."
So this woman comes in and she says to Ginsberg: "Is it true that you could
arrange for me to talk to my dear departed husband?" And Ginsberg said:
"Yes. I can arrange a sťance in which we break through the thick veil which
divides the living and the dead."
"Okay," she says, "so what about this fee schedule: $25, $50, $75. What's
"Well," says Ginsberg, "for $25 you get to speak to your dear departed
husband. For $50, you get to speak to your husband, and he will speak to you."
"And for $75, you can speak to your husband, he will speak to you, while I
drink a glass of water."
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia,
Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi. How was a da treep?"
Luigi said, "Ever'thing was a perfect except for da traina ride down."
"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
"Well, we boarda da train at Grand Centrala Station. My beautifula Virginia
had packed a biga basket a food with vino and cigars for a me, and a we were
looking a 'forward to da trip. All was OK until we gotta hungry and opened
up a da luncha basket.
The conductor came by, wagged his a finger at us anda say, 'No eat in disa
car. Musta use-a dining car.'" "So, me and my beautifula Virginia, we go
to dining car, eat a biga lunch and begin to open a bottle of vino!
Conductor walk by me again, wag hisa finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car.
Musta use cluba car." "So we go to cluba car. While drinking vino, I start
to lighta my biga cigar.
The conductor, he waga his finger again and say, 'No smoke in disa car.
Musta go to smoker car.'"
"We go to smoker car and I smoke my cigar. Later, my beautiful Virginia
and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed.
We just about to have sex and the conductor, he walka through car corridor
shouting at top of his voice,
'NO-FOLK'A, VIRGINIA!' 'NO-FOLK'A VIRGINIA!"
"Nexta time, Ima driva down to Florida"
Greg and John, now in their eighties, first met in grade school. Their
relationship now is playing cards, playing jokes and making bets.
One day Greg calls John and says: "I bet you that mine is longer soft
than yours is hard. A thousand dollars!"
John replies, "How can that be? If you know anything about biology
Greg interrupts, "I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine is longer soft
than yours is hard...a thousand dollars... YES OR NO?"
John says, "OK OK I'll take that bet. How long is yours soft?"
Greg answers, "Eleven years."
"I think I have a problem, Doc," says the patient, "One of my balls has turned blue."
The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes the patient will die
if he doesn't have his testicle removed.
"Are you crazy?" bursts the patient, "How could I let you do such a thing to me?"
"You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, and the patient has to
agree to have his testicle removed.
Two weeks after the operation, he comes back. "Doc, I don't know how to say this,
but the other ball has turned blue, too."
Again, the doctor tells him if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut
"Hey, you want to die?" asks the doc, and the patient has to agree with the
But, about two weeks after he is testicleless, he returns to the doctor.
"I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue."
After briefly examining the patient, the doc gives him the bad news: if he wants
to live, his penis has to go. Of course, he does not want to hear about it.
"You want to die?" asks the doctor.
"But... how do I pee?"
"We'll install an plastic pipe, and there will be no problem."
So, he has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the unfortunate
man enters, again, the doctor's office. He is very angry.
"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!"
"Can you tell me what the hell is happening!?"
So, the doctor examines the patient more carefully and says,
"Hmmm, I don't know, could it be the dye from your blue jeans?"
A woman went into a funeral home to make arrangements for her
husband's funeral. She told the director that she wanted her husband
to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asked," Wouldn't it just be
easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"
"No", she insisted as she handed him a check to buy a dark blue
suit, " It must be blue".
When she came back for the wake, she saw her husband in the coffin,
and he was wearing a beautiful blue suit. She told the director how
much she loved the suit and asked how much it cost. He
said, " Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing
happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in wearing
a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked
the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a
black suit. She said that was fine with her, so I switched the heads".
Message BE WARNED!! I don't how many of you shop at Sam's Club or
BJ's, but this may be useful to know. I have become a victim of a
clever scam while out shopping. This happened to me and it could happen
to you. Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking
18-year-old Girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping
in the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and
Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts.
It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip,
they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Sam's Club or
BJ's. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start
having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front
seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your
wallet. I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on
Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday and most likely