Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.
She opens the window and shouts, ...."Get the fuck off our car!"
A ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got
a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar and
sat at the end and ordered a drink. He noticed a
seventy year old woman at the other end of the bar
and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young
lady a drink. As evening progressed, the old man
joined the lady and after a while they went to her apartment,
where they got it on.
Four days later, the old man noticed that he was
developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home
doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked
the old man if he had engaged in sex recently.
The old man said, "Sure!"
The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman
was and where she lived.
"Well you'd better get over there, you're about to cum!"
A man walks into the dentist's office with a toothache, and after
the dentist examines him, he says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm
going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few
The man grabs the dentist's arm, "No way.. I hate needles. I'm
not having any shot!"
So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll go with the gas."
The man replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me sick for a couple
of days. I'm not having gas."
So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water.
"Here," he says. " Take this pill."
The man asks, "What is it?"
The doc replies, "Viagra."
The man looks surprised, "Will that kill the pain?"
"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to
hang on to while I pull your tooth."
A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. "My love," he wrote "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted? "
So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "why don't youlearn to play this?" Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!" She kissed him and said, "First, let's see you play that harmonica."
Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers, and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy couldnot understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drewa picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business....
Two old buddies meet on a street in New York. One guy says, "Harry, baby! I haven't seen you in years! Where are you living these days?" Harry says, "Phil, I live in Miami now". Phil says, "Miami? What with all those crazy Cubans always rioting down there?"
Harry says. "No, that's really exaggerated by the press. They're not so bad."
"Well, what about all those niggers committing crimes down there?"
"No, that's an exaggeration, too."
"Then what about those Haitians --- the boat people --- just filling the place up?"
"No, those people are no problem either"
"Well, okay. I'll take your word for it. So what are you doing down there?"
"I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."
Two good buddies are drinking in a bar and invaribly they get around to talking about sex. Finally, one guy says that he likes "Rodeo Sex" the best. His friend says, "I never heard of 'rodeo sex' --- what's that?" The first guy says, "Well, my wife and I start doing it doggy style. When she really starts to get hot --- I lean down and whisper in her ear 'your sister likes it this way, too!' --- then I just try to hold on for eight seconds!"
Moses looked up toward the Lord and said, " WE ARE YOUR CHOSEN PEOPLE AND YOU WANT US TO CUT THE TIPS OFF OUR WHAT ??
A guy wakes up in a hospital after a serious operation. The doctor says, "I've got good news and bad news." The guy asks, "What's the good news?" The doctor says, "We've saved your testicles!" The guy says, "Great --- but what's the bad news?" The doctor replies,"They're under your pillow."
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way. "Well, OK," he says, "how a bout a blow job?"
"EEEEyyyyyyeeeewwwwwww!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!" He says, "Well then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?" "Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that." So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ears and he screams out in pain. "What's wrong?!" she cries out. "TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!!!!"