A guy went out hunting. He had all the gear, the jacket, the boots and
the double-barreled shotgun. As he was climbing over a fence, he dropped
the gun and it went off, right on his penis. Obviously, he had to see a
When he woke up from surgery, he found that the doctor had done a
marvelous job repairing it. As he got ready to go home, the doctor gave
him a business card. "This is my brother's card. I'll make an
appointment for you to see him."
The guy says, "Is your brother a doctor?"
"No," Doc replies, "he plays the flute. He'll show you where to put your
fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date
and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a
nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine
and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in
a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty
excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him,
saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way.
"Well, OK," he says, "how a bout a blow job?"
"EEEEyyyyyyeeeewwwwwww!" she screams.
"I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"
He says, "Well then, how about a hand job?"
"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"
"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid
and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your
brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that."
So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.
A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest,
his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax
blows out of his ears and he screams out in pain.
"What's wrong?!" she cries out.
"TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!!!!"
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All
of the sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young
lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started
screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The
husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the
The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But
I have a solution to the problem if you would permit me, sir."
The husband, being very concerned, agreed that the doctor could use
whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor
said, "Okay, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my
penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee I'll
withdraw my penis and the bee should follow my penis out of your
The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said, "Yes,
yes, whatever, just get on with it!"
So the doctor covered the tip of his penis with honey and inserted it
into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor
said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I
should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After
a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.
The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and
The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying
himself. He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and
started making loud noises.
At this point the husband suddenly became very annoyed and
shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the hell do you think you're
The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna
drown the bastard!"
A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole
heads of lettuce.
The man persists, and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask
his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some jerk wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this
gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'
'Canada , sir,' the boy replied.
'Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked.
The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but hookers, and hockey players up
'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.'
'Really?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'
We noticed that all the waiters in this New York restaurant
carried two spoons in their vest pocket. Naturally, we were
curious. We asked a waiter why.
"As a result of an efficiency study by the management, it
was determined that the most frequently dropped silverware
item was a spoon. Therefore, all the waiters carry two spoons
so that the item can be instantly replaced."
As he was explaining that we noticed a string hanging out of
the fly of his pants. So, we asked about that.
"Sir, that's another efficiency study result. When we have to
go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out
and aim. Therefore, we do not have to stop to wash our
We replied, "I understand how you can get yourself out and
aim, but how do you get yourself back in?"
"Well," replied the waiter, "I don't know about the other
guys, but I use the two spoons!"
A trucker is driving down the highway in the Midwest. He spots a sign that says, "Harry's Diner --- We have everything to eat --- if we don't have what you want --- we'll pay you $100!"
Two miles down the highway the trucker spots Harry's Diner. He pulls his rig into the parking lot, enters the diner, and takes a seat. The waitress comes over and says, "What’ll you have?" The trucker says, "I think I'll have an elephant ear sandwich."
The waitress goes into the kitchen and yells to Harry (the owner and the cook), "OK, Harry, it's time to come up with a hundred bucks!" Harry says, "What did somebody order that we don't have?" The waitress replies, "some guy just ordered an elephant ear sandwich." Says Harry, "Hell, we have plenty of elephant ears!" The waitress replies, "Yea --- but we're outta' them big rolls!"
A Frenchman touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant
following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria,
he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being
served at the next table.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste!
Those are the bull's testicles from the bull fight this
morning. A delicacy!"
The Frenchman, though momentarily daunted, said,
"What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am sorry senor. There is only one
serving per day because there is only one bull fight each
morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your
order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the Frenchman returned, placed his
order, and then that evening he was served the one
and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his
platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are
delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the
ones I saw you served yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,
"Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a five-week vacation, fourteen paid holidays, full medical and dental, the company matching your retirement fund to fifty percent of your salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The young engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school for buttering up his teacher?
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What in the world are you doing?" She exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband". Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband". A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What the hell are you doing?" she asked. He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law".
Q: Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? A: He decided to stick it out for one more year!
Jake was on his deathbed. His wife, Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, and tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Susan," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Don't talk." He was insistent. "Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan. "Everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother." "I know," she replied. "That's why I poisoned you."