A family is driving in their car on a vacation. A frog is sitting in the middle of the road and the
husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out and takes the
frog and carries him to the side of the road. The frog is greatful, thanks the
man and tells him that he will grant him a wish. The man says," Please make my
dog win the nexr dog race." The frog asks to look at the dog which jumps out of
the car. The frog notices that the dog has only got three legs and tells
the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulful his wish and asks
the man to make another wish.
The man says," Well, then please help
that my wife will win the next beauty contest in the area." The frog asks him
to tell his wife to get out of the car. His wife comes out of the car and
approaches the frog. The frog turns to the man and says:
"Could I please have another look at the dog???".
A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn't want to
have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells the man to send
his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors
office and the doctor asks her what's wrong and why doesn't she want to
have sex with her husband anymore.
The wife tells him, "For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to
work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you
going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what.'
"When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to
write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what.'
"Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the
cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?'
so again I take a 'or what.'
'So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So
are we going to tell your husband or what?"
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor
one day to discuss their options. One was an
alcoholic, one was a chain smoker and the other was
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said,
"If any of you indulge in your vices one more time,
you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced
that he would never again indulge himself in his
While walking toward the subway for their return
to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic,
hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could
not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into
bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.
No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the
bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar,
realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's
words. As they walked along, they came upon a
cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.
The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said,
"If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."
Mom and Dad tried to console their young son.
"You know, Jeffrey, it's not your fault the dog died".
Little Jeffrey would have none of it.
Dad said, "He's probably up in Heaven right now with God."
Jeffrey asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"
A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman
- almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, 'almost'?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to
go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to
the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who
was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't
put any money in the poor box!" The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up
against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!"
A Post Office worker at the main sorting office finds an unstamped, poorly
hand-written envelope addressed to God. He opens it and discovers it is
from an elderly lady, distressed because some thief robbed her of 100
dollars. She will be cold and hungry for the rest of the month if she
doesn't receive some divine intervention.
The worker organizes a collection amongst the other postal workers, who
dig deep and come up with 96 dollars. They get it to her by special
courier the same morning.
A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same hand on another
envelope. He opens it and reads: "Dear God, Thank you for the 100 dollars.
This month would have been so bleak otherwise. P.S. It was four dollars short
but that was probably those thieving bastards at the Post Office."
The Ideal Wife should be beautiful, but not so beautiful that people think you married her only for her beauty. And The Ideal Wife should be wealthy, but not so wealthy that people think you married her only for her money. And The Ideal Wife should be gentle, but not so gentle that she can't suck a tennis ball through a fifty-foot garden hose.
There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and, sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
A guy walked into a bar in Arkansas and ordered a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looked up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer. The bartender looked up and said, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?" The guy said, "I'm from Iowa." The bartender asked, "What the heck you do in Iowa?" The guy responded, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asked, "Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?" The guy said nervously, "I mount animals." The bartender grinned and shouted out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us! "
The widow is at the funeral home for her husband's funeral. The undertaker asks her, "How old was your husband, my dear?" The widow replied, "He was 98". The undertaker then inquires, "May I ask how old you are, my dear?". The widowd answered, "96". The undertaker then says," Hardly worth going home, is it?"
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic. "What's logic?" the first redneck asked. The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "I sure do." "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good!" said the redneck. The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house." Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck was catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!" The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin' ?" asked the friend. "Math, history, and logic!" replied the first redneck. "What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck. "No," his friend replied. The first redneck says, "Faggot!"
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the frozen seat, and they go. When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before? Well, yes, the doctor replies, but never framed.