A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London, and was in a hurry.
As they went by the Tower of London the cabby explained what it was and that construction started in 1346 and it was completed in 1412, the Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
House of Parliament next - Started construction in 1544, completed 1618 "Hell boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"
As they passed Westminster Abbey the cabby was silent. "Whoa! What's that over there?" The taxi driver replied, "Damned if I know, wasn't there yesterday..."
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus on his shoulder. The bartender says "you can't bring that in here!" The guy says "Why not? He's a pet. Plus I'll bet you a drink he can play any instrument in here." The bartender says, "Okay, here's a trombone, I'll bet a drink he can't play it." The octopus picks it up and starts playing a tune. The bartender is a little upset and pulls out a clarinet and says, "I bet another drink he can't play this." The guy says okay and the octopus picks up the clarinet and starts playing away on it.
By now the bartender is really upset. He's had to give the guy 2 free drinks already. Then he remembers he has an old set of bagpipes in the back. He tells the guy, "I'll bet you one more drink he can't play something else I have," and throws out the bagpipes. The octopus takes one look at the set of bagpipes and starts swarming all over it, pulling on the pipes and squeezing the bag. The bartender laughs and says, "I guess I win." The guy says, "Just give him a minute. As soon as he realizes he can't fuck it... he'll play it..."
There were two gay guys in the bathroom at their home, and one was
putting Vaseline on his chest. The other gay man asked him, "Why are
you putting Vaseline on your chest?"
The first gay guy replied, "Didn't you know that Vaseline helps you
grow hair on your chest?"
The other gay man said, "Well if that was a proven fact, then you
would should a ponytail growing out of your ass."
Sam and John were out cutting wood when John cut his arm off. Sam remained calm, wrapped
the arm in a plastic bag, and took the arm and John to a surgeon.
"You are in luck," said the surgeon. "I am an expert in re-attaching limbs. Come back in
four hours when I have completed the operation."
So Sam returned in four hours and the surgeon said, "I did it faster than I expected. Jon
is down at the pub."
Sam rushed down to the pub and was amazed to see John playing darts.
A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again when John accidentally cut off his
Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the same surgeon.
"Legs are harder," said the surgeon, "but I'll see what I can do - come back in six hours."
Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John's playing
Sam went to the field and to his surprise found John kicking field goals.
A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again, when John accidentally cut
off his own head.
Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon,
confident that the skillful surgeon would do the job.
"Gee, heads are really difficult to re-attach," the surgeon muttered, "but I'll
see what I can do - come back in 12 hours."
Sam returned in 12 hours.
"How did it go, Doc?" he asked.
"I'm sorry. John died," the surgeon replied,
"He suffocated in the plastic bag, you idiot!!"
A man had a terrible accident. His "manhood" was mangled and torn from
his body. The doctor reassured him that modern medicine made it possible
for his "manhood" to be rebuilt but insurance didn't cover the expense.
It was considered cosmetic.
He had three choices- small for $3,500; medium for $6,500 and large
The man was sure he'd want a medium or large. The doctor suggested
that he discuss it with his wife privately before a final decision was
The doctor left the room so the man could call his wife and tell her
The doctor returned and found the man looking very sad. "Did you make
a decision?" the doctor asked.
"Yes," said the man.
"My wife would rather remodel the kitchen...."
A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help. "If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her. The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."
From the day of their wedding, Sarah has been nagging her husband about his past. "Come on, tell me," she asks again, "how many women have you slept with?" "Honey," he says, "if I told you, you'd just get angry." "No. I promise I won't," she begs. "Well, if you insist. Let's see, one, two, three, four, you, six, seven..."
A hunter in the deepest Amazon suddenly found himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he said quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm screwed." A ray of light fell from the sky and a voice boomed out, "No, you are not screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you." So the hunter picked up the stone and proceeded to bash the life out of the chief. He stood above the lifeless body, breathing heavily, surrounded by 100 natives with looks of shock on their faces. The voice boomed out again, "Okay, now you're screwed."
There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, dont let him do that. He is going to try to feel your breasts, you are going to like that but, dont let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs, you are going to like that but, dont let him do that. But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but dont let him do that, it will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. Upon returning home, later that night, the girl could not wait to tell her grandmother about the date. She told her grandmother that her date went just like she said. Then she noted, "I did not let him disgrace the family. When he tried to do that, I just got on top of him and disgraced his family!"
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. The biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact. "Mary...Mary...." "Is that you, Fred?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice. I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, I have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again." "Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven." "Not exactly, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife
glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that??" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.