This guy has been sitting in a bar for awhile, staring at a girl wearing
the tightest pants he's ever seen. After a few drinks his curiosity finally gets the best
of him, so he walks over and asks: "How do you get into those pants?".
The young woman looks him over and replies: "Well, you could start by buying me a drink..."
Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you
have to answer questions to win the cash prize. Lady luck had smiled
in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents.
She even managed towin the game but, unfortunately, time had run out
before the show's host could ask her the big question.
Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day.
Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home.
"I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are.
You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably
look like garbage tomorrow.
"Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all
be OK." Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the
car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?"
Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon."
He replied. Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an
agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and
wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"
"What is it?" she cried excitedly. "OK. The question is 'What are
the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is
'The head, the heart, and the penis.' "
Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling
confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber.
At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger,
who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart,
and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.
And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was
brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.
So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show.
Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the
butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through
her veins. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding
the audience of the previous days’ events, faced Jane and asked the
big question. "Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the
male anatomy? You have 10 seconds." "Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said
nervously. "Very good. “ Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?"
"Very good! Four seconds." "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn!
My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the
tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough," Said the game show host," CONGRATULATIONS!!"
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That`s the ugliest
baby I`ve ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and
took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed
that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me"
she fumed. The man sympathized and said: "Why, he`s a public servant and
shouldn`t say things to insult passengers." "You`re right" she said. "I think
I`ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That`s a good idea" the
man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
The ambitious coach of a girl's track team gives the squad steroids to
help them out a bit. The team's performance soars. They win the
county and state championships and are favored to win the national
Penelope, a sixteen-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says,
"Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest."
"What?" the coach says in a panic, "How far down does the hair go?"
She replies, "All the way down to my balls and that's the second
thing I wanted to talk to you about."
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or the machine?"
A drunk is sitting at the bar when a lady walks in carrying a chicken under her arm. The drunk yells, "Hey, you with the pig!"
The lady calls back sharply, "For your information, this is a chicken!"
The drunk replies, "I was talkin' to the chicken!"
The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member).
A wise student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"
The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."
A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes about their ailments.
The first one says,
"My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup."
The second one says,
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour the coffee."
The third one says,
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck."
The fourth one says,
"My blood pressure pills make my dizzy."
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."
The first one replies,
"Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can all still drive!"
Patient: "Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?"
Dentist: "Wear a brown tie..."
"What flavors of ice cream do you have?" inquired the customer.
"Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate," answered the new waitress in a hoarse whisper.
Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked, "Do you have laryngitis?"
"No...." replied the new waitress with some effort, "just...erm.... vanilla,
strawberry, and chocolate."
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burnt pretty bad. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for. Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at him and said, "Yup,he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes." "What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time the three of us went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes!"
God had finished with the basic structure of humanity and was ready to get down to the perks when he called Adam and Eve to sit at his side. "Okay, kids," he said to them, "you have all the essential stuff. Now who wants to be able to pee standing up?" Adam lept to his feet. "Me! Let it be me! Pleeeezz!" "So Be It." God said. God then turned to Eve. "Well let me see," he murmured, looking at his master plan. "Sorry Eve, looks like all I have left for you is multiple orgasms."
A trucker is driving down the highway in the Midwest. He spots a sign that says, "Harry's Diner --- We have everything to eat --- if we don't have what you want --- we'll pay you $100!" Two miles down the highway the trucker spots Harry's Diner. He pulls his rig into the parking lot, enters the diner, and takes a seat. The waitress comes over and says, "What'll you have?" The trucker says, "I think I'll have an elephant ear sandwich." The waitress goes into the kitchen and yells to Harry (the owner and the cook), "OK, Harry, it's time to come up with a hundred bucks!" Harry says, "What did somebody order that we don't have?" The waitress replies, "some guy just ordered an elephant ear sandwich." Says Harry, "Hell, we have plenty of elephant ears!" The waitress replies, "Yea --- but we're outta' them big rolls!"
An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex. He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation. One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die." She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better - your ear or your finger?"