One day, this blonde who lived on the 12th floor of a high-rise
apartment building was out on her balcony, flapping the bed sheets to
air them out, when suddenly a great gust of wind caught the sheets
and sent her over the edge, plummeting to her death. "Oh, shit!" the
woman thought, "what a stupid way to die."
Without warning, a man on the 10th floor balcony stuck his arms out
into the air, catching the woman. Delirious from shock, the woman
shouted, "Oh, thank you! You saved my life, thank you!"
The man replied, "Do you suck?"
Stunned at this, the woman said, "No, I don't suck!"
And with that, the man let go of her.
"Shit!" the woman thought as she began to plummet again. Suddenly,
another set of arms grabbed her at the 9th floor. "Thank God!" she
screamed. "I would have died if it weren't for you!"
The man asked, "Do you fuck?"
Absolutely aghast, the woman answered, "No, I don't fuck!"
Once again, the arms that held her safe were no longer there. Falling
again, the woman thought that she would surely die. Just then, a set
of arms stretched out from the 7th floor. Not believing her luck, the
woman shouted, "I suck! I fuck!"
"Slut," the man said, and dropped her.
An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat
there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She
turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding
horses, mending fences, and branding cattle so I guess I am."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about
women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women.
When I shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."
A little while later, a couple sat down next to the old cowboy
and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a
A little boy turned to his grandpa and said, "grandpa, talk like a frog."
The Grandpa replied "What?, I'm not going to talk like a frog!"
The little boy again asked, "come on, Grandpa talk like a frog please."
Grandpa again said "No! Go bother your grandmother."
The little boy finally gave up and left.
A little while later the little boy's sister came in and said "Grandpa will you talk like a frog for me?"
Grandpa of course replied, "NO!"
The little girl then said, "Please grandpa will you talk just like a frog"?
Grandpa was very disturbed by now and said, "what is it with you and your brother, why in the world do you want me to talk like a frog?"
The little girl looked at her grandpa and said "Well last night daddy told us that when you croak we are going to go to Disney World."
After the annual office Christmas party blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."
"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"
"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him," said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up.
The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would
be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the
husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second
child, I'll just have a vasectomy." Without a moment's hesitation, the bride
retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening, she was knitting, he was reading
the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her,
"Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"
She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it." He frowns for
a moment, then says, "O.K." He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a
confused look on her face. About a half an hour later he returns all tired and
sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that
pig's always squealing, how can I tell?"
"Where did you receive your training?"
"Good, and what's your name?"
"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"
Told to me by a woman: "I get pulled over on the Parkway for speeding..
In the rearview mirror I see the cop coming toward me, opening his ticket book..
"Oh," I say when he asks for my license, "I thought you were selling me a
ticket to the policeman's ball." The cop looks at me dead serious and
says, "Ma'am, New Jersey State Troopers don't have balls." We stare at
each other in frozen silence as I try not to crack a smile. Suddenly he
snaps his book shut, turns away, walks back to his patrol car and drives away.
Message BE WARNED!! I don't how many of you shop at Sam's Club or
BJ's, but this may be useful to know. I have become a victim of a
clever scam while out shopping. This happened to me and it could happen
to you. Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking
18-year-old Girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping
in the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and
Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts.
It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip,
they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Sam's Club or
BJ's. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start
having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front
seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your
wallet. I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on
Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday and most likely
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish" The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy". After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy
day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her
husband's car pull into the driveway.
'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's
'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied.. 'He's
got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the
window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered
he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started
running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as
best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been
watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderful.
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes
with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed
right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always
wear a condom when you run?'
'Nope ------ just when it's raining.'
A boy from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane going to California. The boy from the South, being friendly and all, asked, "So, where ya'll from?" The snooty northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The boy from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where ya'll from, bitch?"