Schick is trying to sell a computerized crystal ball he's recently invented to a marketing executive, but the executive is very skeptical.
Schick says, "Go ahead and type a question into the crystal ball."
The executive types, "Where is my father?"
The crystal ball answers, "Your father is fishing in Michigan."
The executive says to Schick, "I knew this was bullshit. My father's been dead for twenty years."
The inventor says, "Ask the question in a different way."
The executive types in, "Where is my mother's husband?"
The computer answers, "Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout."
Charlie gets his blonde wife a cell phone for her birthday, and she loves it. The next day she's shopping when her phone rings.
She answers, and her husband says, "Hi. How do you like your new phone?"
She says, "I love it. It's as clear as a bell. But there's one thing I don't understand...how did you know I was at K-Mart?"
Three couples go camping and one couple forgets their tent. So they decide the men will sleep in one tent, and the women will sleep in the other.
In the middle of the night, John says, "Bob, look at this fucking hard-on I've got. It must be all the fresh air. I'm going over to see my wife."
Bob says, "You want me to come with you?"
John says, "Why the fuck would I want you to come with me?"
Bob says, "Because that's my cock you're holding."
You want Quickees? ---- Then you get Quickees!
| What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? ---- The postion of the dirtbag!>
Two Prostitutes are walking down the street.
One says to the other:"Hey have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
the other one says " No, but I've been twirled around by the tits!"
||What should you do if a pit bull is humping your leg?
Pick him up and blow him.
|What did Davy Crockett say at the Alamo?
"Where the fuck did all these landscapers come from?"
||Three boys received their grades from their female sex education
instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F. "One
day we should get her for this," said the first boy. "
I agree. We'll grab her..." said the second.
"Yeah," said the third. "And then we'll kick her in the nuts!"
||A little old lady goes up to an old geezer in a Rest Home and says, "You want some sex?"
He holds up his hand with the fingers spread apart.
She says, "You want to fuck me five times?"
He says, "No. Pick one."
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All
of the sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young
lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started
screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The
husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the
The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But
I have a solution to the problem if you would permit me, sir."
The husband, being very concerned, agreed that the doctor could use
whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor
said, "Okay, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my
penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee I'll
withdraw my penis and the bee should follow my penis out of your
The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said, "Yes,
yes, whatever, just get on with it!"
So the doctor covered the tip of his penis with honey and inserted it
into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor
said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I
should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After
a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.
The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and
The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying
himself. He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and
started making loud noises.
At this point the husband suddenly became very annoyed and
shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the hell do you think you're
The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna
drown the bastard!"
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The
woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her
sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.
She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.
The man said "This is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection
which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was
wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I need to go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "The best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the
store and $3000 a month in living expenses."
You say you could use a few more Quickees? --- Then help yourself:
|What's brown and hides in the attic? ------
The Diarrhea Of Anne Frank.
||Harry guy goes in to see an optometrist.
The doctor says, "You have to stop masturbating."
The guy says, "Why? Am I going blind?"
The doctor says, "No, you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."
||A stockbroker calls a client and says, "Sam, I have good news and bad news."
Sam says, "Tell me the bad news first."
The stockbroker says, "I lost all of your money."
Sam says, "What's the good news?"
The stockbroker says, "I got laid last night."
Two Poles walk into the post office and the first thing that
catches their eye is a bunch of "Wanted" posters, in particular
a shot of a mean-looking black guy beneath a banner that
says "Wanted for Rape." "You know," said one Pole to his friend, "them black guys get all
the good jobs."
||"McCreedy is sitting at the bar jerking his meat.
The bartender says, "Look, Mac, you've got to get out of here."
The drunk says, "Are you kiddin'? I can't leave. I can't walk. I'm so drunk, I don't even know who I'm fuckin'."
||Ralph says to his doctor, "You gotta cure me of smoking. I'm smoking ten cigars a day."
The doctor says, "That's easy. Before you smoke a cigar, stick it far up your ass."
Two weeks later, Ralph walks back into the doctor's office.
The doctor says, "Did it cure you of smoking?"
Ralph says, "Yeah. Now all you have to do is cure me of sticking cigars far up my ass."